I was quite unsure whether I was going to publish this post, but I figured that this would be worth sharing with you guys.
Since I’ve come to Paris, I’ve started an internship, made new friends and saw all the best sights of this amazing city. There was definitely ups and downs, but last weekend, my relationship ended with someone who meant a great deal to me, and who now is out of the picture. It was someone who I dedicated my entire year to, devoted time and energy, never knowing it if would be reciprocated in the same way. Moving on is a part of life, which meant that I had to get on with mine. I knew I didn’t want to regret this experience, but I want to be able to look back positively on the good times and the great memories.
I realized that for a whole year, I didn’t know who I was, or what I really wanted – I felt completely lost. I depended on someone to make me happy, and this, I knew would hurt in the long term. I was scared of this thing we call ‘life’. I asked myself an endless amount of questions, like ‘Will I ever be happy?’ ‘Will I find a career that will be fulfilling?’ ‘Will I keep my friendships?’ I was scared of failing, or taking a step in the wrong direction that will lead me to feeling unhappy. But all there was, was this emptiness growing inside me, a hole that could not be filled by anything I did at university.
To think about the concept of ‘life’ is scary. It creates a lot of anxiety, because we don’t actually know what will happen in the next 5-10 years. Opportunities arise, people fade in and out, but it’s up to us to decide how we really live our lives.
I felt overwhelmed with the amount of choices I had, and blamed myself for my own unhappiness. In school, we had our community, groups of friends we saw all the time and a family we went back to. We knew what to expect each year at school, because of the subjects we chose or knew the teachers we had. At university, when we’re far away from home and the people we knew, it becomes hard to adjust with the full-blown impact that ‘life’ has on us. We’re thrown into this world of responsibilities and decisions. Suddenly, we have to face ourselves, our raw selves and learn to deal with only us. And some people can’t handle that. I’ve watched people slip into darkness: depression, loneliness and some can’t get back out. When we start to talk negatively, our insecurities resurface and we realize we hate living with the mere thought of ourselves.
But what lies underneath, is our identity, our culture, our passions, our humanity, our compassion. It is the core of who we will become. This is why it is so important to be kind to ourselves, and to one another, so that we get to be happy. It’s making a deliberate decision. Being aware of our thoughts and willingness to change. It’s like wearing sunglasses with a different colored lens. It’s playing a different playlist.
This year, I’m starting over from scratch. This means that I want to get to know the core of who I really am. What my passions are, what I truly care about. It may sound selfish, but I feel at this moment it’s what I need. And failing is inevitable. But I’ve learned that making mistakes is just part of the process, because nobody’s perfect. We’re all here to learn.
I also want to make the most out of the present. Learn, grow and improve every day. I don’t want to waste a single day of my life. Appreciate where you are, who you’re with and what you’re doing. I want to get out and meet people, seek advice, seize opportunities, spread my love and compassion to others, and make the most of my time here. The truth is that time flies so what’s the point of life if you don’t accomplish what you truly want?
This is why 3 months ago I chose to start a blog. I wanted to share with you my passion for writing, fashion and travel, and give tips on how to dress to feel more confident and beautiful, and help you get around places (I’ll do another blogpost on this) but what I’m saying is that at the end of the day, we’re all on the same boat.
Do you agree?